I wrote all these ideas about what I would like this blog to be. But today I think I will just write for me. Not many posts yet, not many people following me. That’s okay. I don’t have the energy to do all the things you are supposed to do – follow other blogs, make comments, get yourself out there. It’s not that there aren’t other people I would like to follow – there are – but I can’t right now.
I believe in G-d / a higher power / fate. This thing is meant to be or it isn’t. In the meantime, the most important thing is at least to write something.
I understand why people who haven’t walked as long as I haven’t walked don’t walk again. (Good luck parsing that sentence.) There are so many things that your body forgets how to do when you spend all day in a wheelchair or in bed. I tried sitting up straight this morning. That didn’t last long. Other challenges – holding up my head, bending and straightening my legs, leg lifts, moving my legs from side to side, wheelchair walking; all these are things I could do a few years ago, but I stopped practicing and lost them. So I have to start from zero again.
At the same time I was working on hands, fingers, arms and shoulders. They can do things now that I didn’t even dream were possible when Anat, the amazing occupational therapist, was working with me three and a half years ago. For example. I am using all ten fingers to type this.
The fingers are getting tired now. Exhaustibility, one of my favorite MS symptoms. So I guess I’d better write what I need to hear:
I can imagine not being able to do this. I can imagine failing to walk again. I can imagine a day when it’s time to stop trying. I hope it doesn’t come to that. Today is not that day. But I do understand that such a day could come.
When I was trying to escape from the nursing home in the U.S., a key question was how do I know if G-d is saying ‘No’ or ‘Not yet.’ The clear limit was the airplane door. If I couldn’t get on the plane, that would be ‘No .’ Once I was on the plane, it became their problem to get me off (and on and off the next plane). I did make it back to Israel.
As for now, I didn’t fall on the floor and break bones last month when the lift broke when I was in it – it just gave an extra spin. The dramatic crash occurred a few minutes later. So I am sticking with a belief in ‘Not yet’ for now.
My fingers are toast, so it’s time to post.
Escape From the Nursing Home 