I wrote all these ideas about what I would like this blog to be.  But today I think I will just write for me.  Not many posts yet, not many people following me.  That’s okay.  I don’t have the energy to do all the things you are supposed to do – follow other blogs, make comments, get yourself out there.  It’s not that there aren’t other people I would like to follow – there are – but I can’t right now.

I believe in G-d / a higher power / fate.  This thing is meant to be or it isn’t.  In the meantime, the most important thing is at least to write something.

I understand why people who haven’t walked as long as I haven’t walked don’t walk again.  (Good luck parsing that sentence.)  There are so many things that your body forgets how to do when you spend all day in a wheelchair or in bed.  I tried sitting up straight this morning.  That didn’t last long.  Other challenges – holding up my head, bending and straightening my legs, leg lifts, moving my legs from side to side, wheelchair walking; all these are things I could do a few years ago, but I stopped  practicing and lost them.  So I have to start from zero again.

At the same time I was working on hands, fingers, arms and shoulders.  They can do things now that I didn’t even dream were possible when Anat, the amazing occupational therapist, was working with me three and a half years ago.  For example. I am using all ten fingers to type this.

The fingers are getting tired now.  Exhaustibility, one of my favorite MS symptoms.  So I guess I’d better write what I need to hear:

I can imagine not being able to do this.  I can imagine failing to walk again.  I can imagine a day when it’s time to stop trying.  I hope it doesn’t come to that.  Today is not that day.  But I do understand that such a day could come.

When I was trying to escape from the nursing home in the U.S., a key question was how do I know if G-d is saying ‘No’ or ‘Not yet.’  The clear limit was the airplane door.  If I couldn’t get on the plane, that would be ‘No .’  Once I was on the plane, it became their problem to get me off (and on and off the next plane).  I did make it back to Israel.

As for now, I didn’t fall on the floor and break bones last month when the lift broke when I was in it – it just gave an extra spin.  The dramatic crash occurred a few minutes later.  So I am sticking with a belief in ‘Not yet’ for now.

My fingers are toast, so it’s time to post.